FINDING PURPOSE!?!

I have been feeling as if God has been saying to me, "It's Time'

And then, I think to myself, "I need to be doing something!" and then...the next thought is ALL of these things I am good at and can do well (because normally purpose is tied up in those things), but THEN I get overwhelmed with the thought of doing them ALL, and I just lay down and watch TV.
Or get on Facebook. I will post great quotes and comments, and get appreciative responses, and folks telling me that I am making a difference in thier lives, etc. But shouldn't MY life be different too? I don't just want to talk about it...I need to BE about it! Don't we all feel that way at times?

Back up...Dont get me wrong: there are alot of things that I HAVE done...I have done Volunteer Work for 8 years at the Hope Pregnancy Center. I have done tons of speaking engagements. I have led womens ministries and bookclubs. I even started a business: ARMOR Security Agency in 2000, and at times, our income was almost 1 million dollars. We vacationed hard, spent lavishly. Lived good. We have housed/helped (and yes I counted) housed 22 family members. I have raised 6 kids (still raising 3 of them), and tried (sometimes failing) to set an example for them. All of these things were good and 'noble' to me at the time. Nothing is more rewarding than having a young girl walk into a Pregnancy Center with her baby and tell you that because of what YOU said to her, this baby is alive and she is grateful to tears. Or watching a family member get saved and get married because of advice and wisdom you have poured into them...these things are wonderful, indeed.
But even through all of these things, a sense of un-fulfillment still gnaws away at my soul. I know there is something ELSE that I am supposed to be doing. And God hasnt shown me clearly what it is. But I KNOW it's tied up to my past: my roots. You have been where you were, to be able to change some one else. So...let's go back:

Awww...wasnt I cute? I was an only child. Very lonely! Mom was working full time, and a partyer. Very beautiful and successful, she reminded me of Erica Kane. Hung out with rich, elite blacks, lived elegant lifestyle, vacationed, had lots of friends, and was a social butterfly.  She had three club nights per week, and owned her own home by 24 years old.

Aint she gorgeous? :)
Things were going really well for her; there was one minor annoyance, one thing holding her back...Me.
She met my dad in High School, when both had run away from home. He was handsome, and an athlete: was abused by a dad who gambled away even the family dog. Made them eat oatmeal every day, for lack of food, and he traded clothes with his brother every other day, so no one would notice they wore the same clothes daily. He and my mom were instantly attracted to eachother. Mom worked in fast food, dad played football. He was her first. I believe it was love (or lust) at first sight (although Mom will never admit to it-never)

And they got a house together as teens, and had little old me.
From what they say: they lived good. Had a car, and a pool table. All the family looked up to them. But they fought. Mom was a fighter. Dad couldn't talk to anyone else, and laugh or she would become outraged. It only lasted for another year. Dad was packing up the Volkswagon to head to Vegas to get married. Mom took off with me. Dad said she cheated. Mom says she wasn't ready for "family". Both were hurt...and I dont believe my father ever quite recovered from this. Every other woman afterwards, he cheated on, and disrespected. Once a man loses his first love, he doesnt care much about the rest.

So, by age 2, I was in a single parent home, and dad went on to have other kids. But would visit often.

I remember even this day vividly. My memory is really good for everything about age 5 on. Dad rolled up in a huge white Cadillac at my Kindergarten graduation with about 100 albums in the backseat for me. Everything from Shirley Temple to Rick James. And I played them all repeatedly for years. That was a good day.  One year after this picture was taken, mom moved me to Riverside, and started working for Xerox, where she would remain until retirement. They paid well, and she was very busy after that. I was what you would call a 'latchkey kid', getting up and going to school alone, coming home alone. She would leave money on the table for McDonalds, and at 6 years old, I was riding my bike there, geting my food, come home, eat, do homework and bed. I had severe asthma, and at times when I had an attack, sometimes the neighbor would accompany me to the hospital. Once I even stayed at a nurses house, because they couldnt reach my mom by phone. She came about 1 am.
These lonely times developed a love of reading, writing and my imagination. I pretended to always be somewhere else, with a huge family, and happy. I made up people, places names, and role-played all day and night. If you would have walked in on me, you would think I was a crazy kid talking to herself, but I was living in a fun world. I think thats what happens to people in solitary confinement eventually. They do this to stay sane.

anyhow. Dad became a pimp and started selling drugs, and running the streets. Mom got in abusive relationships that many times I witnessed. Both were young, and foolish, but I learned alot, and God kept his Hands on me. There were several times that I was nearly molested, and God removed me entirely. Neither of my parents were Christians. Neither ever talked about God or took me to church. but i just FELT He existed, and I felt a deep need to know Him. I had a bible given to us by some visiting Jehovah Witnesses, and I read it over and over for years. I wanted to be like those women I read about. With husbands and family. My mom often had someone else's husband. I wanted my own.


I rotated between homes; mom, dad, aunt, for years. Every one of them had craziness going on. I felt lost. My Gandmother was my one solid... But she died when I was 13.  I will talk about her later.
I made a pact, at 12 that if God gave me a husband and family, (and I was specific-I named the sex and birth order of my kids in advance) that I would raise them to serve Him.
And, it happened. Now its up to me to live up to my end of the bargain.
So how do you Overcome two damaged parents, and learn to be a 'June Cleaver' type? When you have never seen appropriate role models displayed in your own life? When all the women were violent, and promiscuous, and when the men used women and drugs for recreation?
Good question....

BACK TO PRESENT:

In order to figure out my Purpose, I decided to sit down and write a list of what I have done as an adult, and the ministries I have started/participated in. I figured this would help me out. Here's the list (in no particular order):

1) Teen Pregnancy- seeing that I had 3 kids by age 19, and I had been a mentor later at a CPC.
2) Abstinence- For the past 6 years, I have been an abstinence speaker in the public schools, to teach others how to not make the same decisions that I did, and that I have seen countless others make.
3) Shelter Home- Putting together a program to house teen pregnant girls: like I was housed at 18. it changed my life and got me saved. I was calling my Program 'The Dwelling Place"
4) Marriage-Seeing that I got married at 18 (and am still married today) and have taught 13 week Married for Life classes to other struggling couples.
5) Business Start up and Management- at one time, I oversaw a staff of 32 employees at ARMOR Security Agency. I even designed our webpages, and drew up our Business Plans. Not bad for someone who taught themselves how to use a computer.
6) Women's Ministry- I started L.O.V.E (Ladies of Virtuous Excellence) Ministries, a study to teach older women how to minister to younger women. I have done Women's Christian Bookclubs, etc.
7) Play/Script writing- I have written books, plays and led Drama Teams.
8) Teen Empowerment- Teaching young people life skills lacking in thier own lives, and how to make better choices for thier futures. (esp. Urban youth)
9)  Motivational Speaking- I have spoken at events, schools, churches, etc. 
10) Talk show for teens-my eventual goal.

I feel as if I am being pulled in all these different directions, to accomplish all of these things...and at the same time, raise my family, and deal with the day-to-day survival.
Ever since ARMOR folded: (and I will admit it was very much my fault) we have struggled to make ends meet.  I refused to go out and get us more accounts, and grow the company because I felt like my husband was treating me as a 'worker' and not a partner. Long story. But in the end: I no longer wanted to do business with him, and wanted to work for myself. I took my hands completely off. I figured that if he was as much "the man" as he (and others) made himself out to be, that he could do it without me, right?

Well, although he has learned his lesson, we all had to suffer for my stubbornness, and desire to show him that I could 'do my own thing'. Because, in order to do 'my thing' I still need money...ughh!

So now that God is saying 'It's Time' to do some things, and my family has been uprooted and misplaced, and my pockets and bank accounts are emptied, and mom had a brain aneurysm, and as her only child I had to care for her for two years, and still wanting to do ministry, but not having time to write after now working at a minimum-wage job...I'm mentally exhausted.... And I'm asking him for the Provision, but from what I can see, we are not getting out of this any time soon.  So as I focus on all of the ways to live out my Purpose, I'm thinking silently...How can I help others, when I cant even help Myself?!?