Heart2Heart: The Kisses of an Enemy are Deceitful....

"Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."

-Proverbs 27:6

What is a "Friend"?

Many of us have our own interpretation on what a friend represents, but what is it to you? Is it someone you can tell your secrets to? The co-worker that you see daily and talk over lunch? A friend from school that you share classes with? A loving boy/girlfriend who whispers sweet words in your ear? A buddy that you go out drinking with on Friday nights? What happens when the intimate bond between you is suddenly broken...or worse yet: betrayal occurs?

There have been tons of people over my lifetime who have claimed to 'love' me, and be my true friend. They have pledged allegiance to me and my family, and told me that they 'had my back' through anything.  Unfortunately, what I noticed is that many of these people were quick to turn on me when either I didn't let them have something they wanted, or disagreed with them in any way.
Before that point, I am the most wonderful person ever. But in times of conflict, when I upset
these 'friends'...Oh Boy, I experienced true wrath! Suddenly, to anyone who will listen, I am fake, a hypocrite, a bi**h, a non-Christian, and 'think I'm perfect' and 'know everything'.

I have thus discovered a startling revelation: The true test of friendship lies in experiences of adversity, and conflict.

"When someone shows you who they are...believe them"~ Maya Angelou

 

As I get older, I appreciate debates/arguments now. Because it's then that people's TRUE feelings are revealed about you. When you don't respond to someone the way they want you to, you find out what they really think about you. Many will run down the list of your flaws, and throw your confided secrets back in your face. It used to grieve me and cause extreme pain. I would cry and feel horrible and guilty as if maybe I caused this. My heart would close down and I would make vows that I would never let another person inside to hurt me. I would lose trust towards people and become bitter and withdrawn. That is not the answer, or a godly solution. 1 John 4:7-8 says that God is Love, and to love one another. When we are filled with anger and resentment, we have no room to love others. We cannot allow others to change our hearts and close them off from giving and receiving love, because God is the essence of Love, and when we are not walking and living in love, neither are we walking and living in God. Instead, we must pray for and forgive those who offend us, as difficult as it may be, so that our heart continues to remain soft, pliable, and usable by God.

When you are mature, you don't feel the need to verbally attack another person to express your anger about something they do to offend you. That's when you should know how to have conflict without resorting to insults and name calling, and how to resolve issues within relationships and friendships without the need to say hurtful and damaging things. I now appreciate the way conflict shows the heart of others. Sometimes anger and disagreements have has a way of revealing what lies beneath the surface...in a way that no amount of loving words can do.

So the lesson then becomes two fold: First, we need to view conflicts as a blessing, and a way to provide us with insight into the character of others. For example:  If someone claims to be a close friend, and AS SOON as you upset them, they are going on about how you are the worst person they know..that shows that there was some bitterness/resentment/jealousy there all along, that was simply being masked. You may have noticed when you met them that that they had a history of broken relationships in the past, where they always claimed to be the victim. They bash ex-husbands/wives, old friends, and seem to blame everyone else when things are wrong. That, dear heart, was a red flag for you. You don't try to mercilessly crush someone verbally unless you have animosity hidden in your heart to begin with. Be careful of forming friendships with the types...you will one day be next in their trail of destructive anger and accusations.

The second lesson is that this problem also is contributed to the fact that many times we allow certain people to have access to our lives and hearts that were never deserving, and that God did not put there in the first place. The bible talks incessantly of false prophets and wolves in sheep's clothing. But we never apply it to our own circles, and just assume that everyone in our circle is honest and true. When choosing friends and associates, we must categorize them according to wisdom and discernment. Much pain and heartbreak can be avoided when we continue to guard our hearts and our Temples, keeping every relationship in its proper place.

The bible says that our bodies are Temples of the Holy Spirit. (1 Cor 6:19)
Let me give you a little background on how things were done in the Temple: In biblical times, the Temple is where you would go to worship God. Inside the temple were divided sections, and not everyone was allowed in each part of the temple. The temple was considered a Holy place, and even entering certain parts without qualifying could result in immediate death! Unlike today's times (where nowadays just anyone can jump up on a pulpit and preach) in the Temple, you had to have fear, reverence, and a clean heart to enter.
Now, we no longer have to go to a Temple to access God's spirit. He places it within us when we become a believer. Our bodies become Holy at that point.

The definition of Holy is "Set Apart/Different" and the opposite of that would be "Blended: the same as everyone else." We have to learn to bring people into our lives that are different, and set apart by God, and appointed to be in our lives.

God's Temple was made up of three main sections: The Outer Court, the Inner Court, and the Holiest of Holies. The Outer Court is where people could come and bring gifts and offerings, and sacrifice used for worship, people who worked in the temples could come. The Inner Courts were reserved for those who were in ministry and the disciplining was done, and worship began. The Holiest of Holies was so special that only the Head Priest could enter. He had to be also clean and in the right state of mind to approach God. Just in case, they tied a rope around his ankle, and if he displeased God upon entering the curtain without being qualified, or was unauthorized, he instantly dropped dead, they simply dragged him out with the rope!

We need to treat our own bodies like a Temple, and also categorize those that we allow into our lives and hearts. We should take the example of the Temple, and understand that not everyone has a place, and we need to keep that in mind when we interact with others:

Outer Court Folks: These are co-workers, classmates, people and family members that you associate with often, but have a surface relationship with. People you interact with online, and new people you have met, before they have proven themselves worthy of bring called a friend. These conversations should be general, and not intensely personal. Neither should they be trusted with TMI: Too much information. They are people who you notice may be heavy gossipers,have issues that need prayer, and those that you are not equally yoked with. It is fine to minister and pray for those people, but there should always be personal boundaries.

Inner Court People: These are friends that you have had in your life for a while that have proven themselves loyal and trustworthy. They have been supportive and uplifting, and you can go to them for wisdom and prayers. This includes ministry partners, pastors, mentors, boy/girlfriends (that have proven themselves trustworthy enough to get to that level of intimacy) and long-time childhood friends. Even in times of conflict, these people have continued to love and support you.  They lead you down a right path, not convince you to do things that go against your beliefs.
Over time these people have shown themselves to have your best interest at heart, and therefore you can share details of your testimony with them, work with on business ventures, grow closer together in your faith and they will faithfully pray for and give you wise direction.

Holiest of Holies: **Warning** This area is under strict protection, and a 'Caution' sign should be used before allowing entrance. Those who enter this area are very few, usually only a praying, on-one-accord spouse, and your children (and not all your children, either) These are the people that you entrust with your heart, your weaknesses, your most intimate visions and dreams!

The problem comes when we allow Outer Court Folks into the Holiest of Holies, and vice versa,
thinking that they are trustworthy when they haven't proven themselves to be such. We draw back  that special veiled curtained entry door and allow them into the most reserved of spaces, and then are horrified when they betray that trust, and crush our hearts in the process.

Over the years, God has given me that 'friendship' test over and over until I finally started passing it.  I have had so many people up in my face challenging me, my beliefs, my Christianity, and attempting to push me into altercations by attacking myself and my family. And these are usually those closest to me, who I have allowed in my heart and life. They learn your weaknesses, and eventually use them against you. I have learned not to give them what they want: negative attention and response.  

Although it is hard to maintain your class and integrity in the face of insult, it shows your true character when you can still respond in love to the attacks of others. It it hard? Yes...extremely! It goes against our natural instinct to retaliate in anger...which we may rightly feel entitled to do. But it also develops character... and the fruits of patience and long-suffering, which are more important in the long run.

I believe if you have negative feelings toward anyone...just remove yourself from the presence of the person that you have them for. "Love them from a distance" is my motto.

...And I continue now to seek wisdom and discernment in the people that I allow in and around my family's lives.  Not everyone who claims to have your back really does. Some are just standing there behind you waiting to plunge in the knife...But Jesus himself could not escape betrayal, so we must just accept that more than likely it is inevitable. We can minimize the damage, however by refusing to keep allowing toxic relationships into your life, and continue to love...with wisdom, and discernment, and a whole lot of prayer! 
 Proverbs 27:3-6:

"A stone is heavy and sand is weighty,
But a fool’s wrath is heavier than both of them.
Wrath is cruel and anger a torrent,
But who is able to stand before jealousy?
Open rebuke is better Than love carefully concealed.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend,
But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful."